i want (to set fire to) your dick
by Pencilwalla
Summary: "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BROTHER!" Akari discovers stolenshipping in the worst possible way.


"Baa-chan, good morning." Akari yawned, enjoying the sunlight streaming in through the main window. There was breakfast on the table, still steaming, and it smelled wonderful. It was a beautiful and quiet morning, and one bite into her rice she knew something was wrong.

"Where's Yuuma?" It wasn't a Saturday without him devouring everything in sight, loudly and obnoxiously. His chair at the table was empty. Akari frowned – she'd spent most of last night working – and tried to remember if he'd ever come back from his study group.

(She doubted he was getting much studying done, but she liked Takeshi and Kotori and Tetsuo, and she let it pass as long as he didn't outright fail.)

"Oh, he called last night and said he was sleeping over at that boy's place. Ryoga-chan."

"He did?" Akari looked over at the clock. It was ten o'clock already. Yuuma wasn't usually punctual, but Ryoga normally had him home by nine, even if he had to physically throw him in his pajamas onto the back of his bike. She'd been wary about Yuuma making friends with him, since he seemed like a punk, but he'd been polite when he as over for dinner and when he studied with Yuuma's homework actually got done.

"Well, he has a dentist appointment today. I'm going to go get him."

She threw on clean clothes, packed her microphone and recorder in case she saw a scoop, and got the bike out of the garage. Ryoga lived closer to the heart of the city, in a penthouse apartment in a part of town nice enough to explain why he had a motorcycle. His building had underground parking, and she swerved to a stop in visitor's slot before walking into the elevator.

The elevator shot upward, and she found herself at the Kamishiros' front door. She knocked, and the door was opened by a disheveled and scowling Rio Kamishiro. She was wearing an oversized nightshirt and black velvet pumps, and there was lipstick on her bottom lip.

"Akari-san! Good morning," she said.

"Sorry to drop by like this, but I'm here to pick up Yuuma. He's got a dentist appointment in an hour."

"Yuuma is here?" Rio blinked. "Oh. Well then. Come in, I'll go wake them up."

She opened the door completely, and Akari followed her into a spacious living room with an enormous floating tv and a black leather sectional. She sat down on the couch while Rio stalked out of the room. There was a thump, and the sound of her yelling, and then she came back, this time with the pumps in one hand.

"They're still asleep. Just wait one minute. I'm sorry," Rio sighed. "Akari-san, would you mind waiting here alone? I'm late."

"Not at all. Is Yuuma asleep in Ryoga's room?"

"Yes, they're both just slow." Rio made a face. "Excuse me."

She ran out of the room, and was back what felt like seconds later, before Akari could finish admiring the room and wonder who'd decorated it. She was wearing a blue dress and a darker blue jacket and finished putting on lipstick. "Have a good day, Akari-san."

She rushed out the door, and Akari waited alone.

Five minutes passed in silence, and then ten, and she glanced nervously at her watch. Where were they? It was late, and she had to get back to work, and Yuuma needed to have his teeth cleaned and the inevitable cavity filled.

She didn't like the idea of wandering around the Kamishiros' house like this, but there was no choice. Even though Yuuma was fifteen now, he was irresponsible and carefree, and that meant sometimes she had to embarrass him.

It was easy to find Ryoga's bedroom – there was a shark-shaped door knocker on the door. She knocked sharply.

"Rio, go away," Ryoga's voice came through muffled.

Boys, Akari thought exasperatedly, and opened the door.

Yuuma was there, alright, and he was lying in an enormous bed with both Ryoga and Kaito Tenjo, and all of them appeared to be at least shirtless and they were all lying on top of on another and there were bite marks on Yuuma's shoulder and Akari's sudden, violent, big sister instinct overrode her brain and took control of her mouth because _there was a twenty year old in bed with her brother._

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BROTHER!"

"What the fuck," Ryoga gasped, jerking upright and the blanket slipped down and yes, he wasn't wearing pants. He yanked the covers back up hurriedly. "Yuuma –"

"NEE-CHAN!" Yuuma immediately hid underneath the blankets, so that he was nothing but a purple lump between the other two's bodies. Kaito stirred, and rubbed at his eyes, and looked over at Akari and flinched backwards. He was closest to her, though, and couldn't hide.

"What are you doing here," Ryoga said. He glanced around wildly, and she saw his eyes linger on the window. "Where are my pants?"

"That's just what I was going to ask, right after I finished MURDERING YOU!"

"Neeeee-chan…" Yuuma whimpered. "I can explain!"

"Explain? You can explain why you're naked in bed with an ex-gang member and a TWENTY YEAR OLD? You can explain why I just walked in on you having some kind of _sick perverted threesome?_"

"I'm wearing socks!"

"Yuuma," Kaito said.

"And you! You just committed a felony with my little brother! What do you have to say for yourself? How would you feel if this was you in five years and we were talking about YOUR BROTHER?"

Kaito opened his mouth. And then shut it again. He was still trying to not to cower, which was fine with her, because she was still thinking about dragging him out of bed, naked or not, and strangling the life out of him.

"Oh for the love of – he's fine!" Ryoga protested. "And he was the one who just showed up last night!"

"And then, what, he _accidentally_ fell out of his clothes and into bed with you?"

"I – we didn't hurt him." Ryoga managed.

"What about your sister?"

"If some asshole hurt my sister I would break into his house and find out where he slept and _set his dick on fire._"

"That sounds like a great idea! And I'm already two thirds of the way there."

"Neeee-chan." Yuuma whined as both Ryoga and Kaito cringed. "Don't kill my boyfriends."

"You aren't old enough to have one boyfriend, let alone two!"

"I'm sorry!"

"You'd better be!"

"Why are you here?" Kaito asked.

Akari glared at him. "Yuuma has a dentist appointment."

"No!"

She closed her eyes and clenched her fists and wondered why her parents had had to disappear and leave her with a brother who apparently needed way more sex education than she had bothered to give him. She had thought, 'don't have sex, you're a baby' was good enough.

"Yuuma Tsukumo." She paused. "You are going to get up, and get dressed, and meet me in the living room. You're going to go to the dentist, and then all three of us are going to have a nice, long talk about your relationship."

Ryoga made a face.

"And then I still might kill you two."

"Yuuma, get up so she can see you're fine." He hissed.

"I'm going to die," Yuuma replied. He pulled the covers down even further over his head.

Kaito sighed, and rolled over carefully, and then grabbed Yuuma, lifted him up, and flippe their positions so that Yuuma fell out of bed. It would have impressive, except that he was still touching her baby brother.

Her baby brother with love bites all over his shoulder and a bright red flush. He yelped and curled up to avoid exposing himself, and she sighed and turned around.

"If you aren't out in five minute, I will come back. With gasoline. And a lighter. _Ryoga and Kaito._"

Both of them made identical noises of fear.

"And don't put your filthy hands on him while I'm gone!" She left the room, letting the door fall shut behind her, and heard Yuuma cry out as she went down the hallway, already wondering whether she was going to have to buy Yuuma condoms, and if she would need to hide the bodies.

"Shark, what'd you do with my pants?"


End file.
